an honest talk about mental health

Growing up in a culture that doesn’t prioritize mental health as an integral part of overall health, I never knew how to acknowledge my feelings, let alone process them. According to the American Journal of Public Health, Asian-Americans have an 18% lifetime rate or a 9% annual rate of having psychological disorders. However, they’re also three times less likely to seek mental health services. This statistic does not surprise me. Only through therapy did I come to realize the mental health struggles I faced not only recently, but throughout my childhood and adolescence. It was only when I reached a mental breaking point did realize I needed to seek help.

I have always been an emotional person and grew up having others tell me to “stiffen up.” Due to this, I have learned to suppress my feelings rather than acknowledge them. Because I was never taught how to process why I felt a certain way and what that feeling means, years and years of emotions stacked on top of one another inside of me. Stress from school, pressure from family, societal expectations from my peers, among other things, circled around me like a haze. I always thought that if I studied more, worked harder, did more, that it would all sort itself out. Everyone else around me seemed to have everything together, so why couldn’t I? Something I have learned recently in going to therapy is that if you don’t acknowledge your feelings they settle inside of you, taking up space emotionally and physically. It is exhausting to harbor so many years of mental fatigue within you.

I grew up with a wonderful childhood, but in a culture where checking up on someone’s mental health was taboo, I am now an adult that is unequipped to navigate these newfound hurdles. I don’t blame my parents for raising me the way that they did. After all, they did what they thought was best based on how they were raised. But I think it’s important to highlight the problematic nature of ignoring toxic habits. At family gatherings, it wasn’t uncommon to be bombarded with questions from relatives, such as how my love life was going, what my plans academically/professionally were, and how my choices were going to affect the entire family as if it really mattered how my choices were going to affect anyone other than myself. I grew up believing that putting my needs and feelings first was selfish; that I had to consider everyone else’s feelings and how my choices affected them before I considered how they affected me. Putting yourself first is not selfish! It is actually one of the most selfless things one can do. Now, I’m not saying you should disregard other people’s feelings or how you impact other’s lives. What I am saying is that you matter, how you feel matters, and that should be the priority before you worry about everyone else.

Something my therapist told me that I find so helpful is the concept of empty cups. You are the cup. You can’t pour out of an empty cup. I used to put myself on the bottom of my “to-do” list, push my needs aside and focus on everyone and everything else. This led to emotional fatigue and burnout. My body and mind were literally telling me that they couldn’t go on any longer in this way. It wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t taking the time to listen to myself and what I needed. I was trying so hard to keep pouring into everyone else’s cups but never realizing my cup was empty. And what does that mean? I wasn’t giving people my best; I wasn’t being a quality friend, student, coworker, etc. Why? Because I wasn’t taking care of myself. You can’t invest in others properly if you don’t invest in yourself first. I was pushing myself past my limits because I compared myself to everyone else and how they were functioning. There are people who can do so much more, who are doing so much more, and I felt guilty for not measuring up to their abilities. But I’m not them! And that’s okay! And my limits are different! And that’s also okay! It’s still not easy. I have a whole lifetime of establishing my value and self-worth through success, of being a “yes” person, a people pleaser. I have a very “black and white” and “all or nothing” mindset. If I’m not working toward my end goal then I’m ultimately a failure. Things either have to be exactly as I imagine it or it’s not worth it. And this is toxic thinking because nothing in life is defined by these polarities. There is room for some middle ground, some grey area. I am uncomfortable in this middle grey area. I have no idea how to exist in it. But I’m learning. Here’s a list of things I’ve been learning and practicing through therapy:

• It is okay to say “No.”
• It is healthy to establish boundaries. You’re not rude, mean, or selfish for doing this. If you’re uncomfortable, voice that. If you don’t want to do something, voice that. Listen to yourself and what you’re comfortable with. You deserve to acknowledge and honor what you are comfortable with, no ifs, ands, or buts.
• Guilt is a feeling that is self-inflicted. You do not have to feel guilty about something you have no control over or no responsibility in. (But also remember that guilt is usually associated with caring. If you feel guilty you probably care a lot about something/someone.)
• Healing is not linear. It’s messy, with twists, turns, and detours. And it usually doesn’t feel good. You have to face a lot of uncomfortable things that you’ve probably been avoiding. But face them. Tackle them head-on. It will feel better once you do, but it’ll feel like absolute shit while you’re doing it.
• Mental health is not an excuse. Yes, it is hard. Yes, sometimes you want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But mental health is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Communicate with your loved ones, friends, and peers. (This goes back to establishing boundaries.) If you made plans with a friend and suddenly just don’t feel up to it, tell them! Let’s normalize talking about how we feel. Tell your friend you need some time and space to process.
• Nobody can help you if you don’t reach out for help. And it is okay and healthy to ask for help. You are not weak, less successful, or incompetent for asking for help. We all need assistance sometimes. But nobody can help you if you do not vocalize what your struggles are.

As someone who grew up not knowing that mental health is just as important as our physical health, I will be the first to admit the process of acknowledging my feelings and struggles is not easy. It is so hard to be vulnerable because that opens you up to judgement. And judgement hurts. But I want to live in a world were people are kind and understanding. And if I have children someday, I want them to know that their feelings are valid and healthy. In order to do that, I have to acknowledge how I process my feelings and make efforts and changes towards that goal. So let’s normalize talking about our feelings, especially in POC/AAPI cultures. You may have grown up in a culture where minimizing your mental health was normal. But it doesn’t have to be. And we can change that and it starts with ourselves.